Searching for significance
Is it approval? Is it significance? What do I seek when among friends? Do my stories need to be greater, funnier, or even told to be counted a friend or active participant in a group? How can one who laughs and carries on feel lonely in the laughter?
Knowing you've over-stepped the boundaries of comfortable you try to withdraw. That not being an option, you try to cover it up, blending insecurity with not so funny tales. Sympathetic laughter echoes in the hollowness of the soul closed off. Heart discussion cut off as you listen half-heatedly to another baring their soul and receiving the same response from you as you perceived from them.
Talking, laughing, preparing what you will say next, not even in reply. Listening, listening, who is listening. We have not been listening. ALONE with your thoughts in a crowded room. Who will hear MY thoughts, MY desires. Who will agree? What if no one takes MY position? Well, there is the problem. . . The overstepped boundaries were not with those in the room. They were with The Uncreated One.
My righteousness turned into my rightness. Justified by a sense of knowing Truth. Most men know truth, but walking in Truth is altogether different. Isolation that is self-made by the self-righteous one walking around without a thought of others and at the same time worrying about what others think of me.
“Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered— how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.” Interlude (Psalms 39:4, 5 NLT)
Let me again die to self. Let me find peace in You! That is where my significance lies. Eternity awaits!
Walking in step with You and following You brought me to these beloved friends. Reading your Word and letting it roll off the barrier of me that I've erected rather than allowing it to penetrate my heart is not working. Walking within this place of self is lonely. Hide me in You!
If I have that assurance that You have gone before me and I haven't drug You along as an afterthought, I will be at ease. If at that time I am to walk in solitude from this world, I will be contented in knowing that the One who matters is my Guide. I trust You! I cling to You! I am not alone! And You have provided those who will walk alongside me in this life because You love me. I'm forever indebted to You, my Breath, my Joy, my Savior.
Thank You for the breakthrough in this obstacle! Take me to the next level! Help me to obey on each step of the journey! In Your beautiful Name, Jesus, I pray. Amen.