In spite of us

This weekend we watched the Rich Mullins story on Netflix.  Rich Mullins was an inspiration to me, I remember when he died thinking that there was so much more for him to do, but God took him home.  I was just inspired by his music because it was raw and real.  I never followed the artist himself to see what a wreck his life was.  God still used him, though.  Now as I see parts of my life that are laid bare and pretty ugly, I know that God uses me in spite of my inadequacies and frailty. 
I watched a video testimony years ago from a man named John Mulinde.  Not sure of the spelling.  Several parts of it impacted me, but one thing stands out right now that God worked through John in spite of John and not because of John.  I said something similar as our church did an outreach last Saturday.  Today it was reflected back to me as I shared that I woke up from a dream where someone was telling me that I'm unfit to be in church leadership anywhere.  Many are unfit, but God uses us in spite of us.
This morning I finished a devotional on YouVersion entitled, You Remain - My Personal Wrestling Match With God by Tim Timmons.  He challenges readers to meditate on the first part of John 15 for a whole week. 

John 14:1-8 NIV  “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ³ You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴ Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.   

⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶ If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷ If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."

Yay for the pruning... not really, it hurts!  So here I am knowing that the good fruit that is coming from God.  In spite of me.  Thankful for friends who pour out life giving words and walk with me through my depravity.

Getting Started

There are so many things in life that we plan to do.  From Bible Studies, to diets, to higher education we are always planning the next thing.  I am personally planning how to sell some of my handmade goods and starting to work on a healthier lifestyle.  I can envision myself exercising and having a small business, but unless I execute these decisions, there is no fruit in planning.
My church began to study a book called, A Life that Wins, by Mike Holt on the first weekend in September.  We are reading the book and doing daily studies and small group studies and a sermon series from this book.  The first chapter was routine information for any time that we want to make a lasting change in our lives.  Though the wording was a little different than other books, the same principles are introduced in most "programs" that will help you get out of a rut.  The twist is that in the midst of doing something for yourself, you are encouraged to do a personal outreach as well.  This is reaching out to someone that is unchurched to just be a friend and introduce them to a relationship with Christ.  I'm so not good at that!
So during that first chapter we were challenged to make a hinge decision for our personal goals.  My hinge decision was in the area of fitness.  I followed the instructions and wrote out a plan.  I made it detailed with the goal, steps toward the goal, deadlines and rewards.  I am literally worse off now in week 4 than week 1.  I am 4 pounds heavier and much lazier than I was when I started.  It's as if a rebellion has risen up within me against getting out of bed in the morning to exercise.  When I eat an unhealthy thing, I eat 4 because I already slipped up.  The thoughts have welled up within me about not ever really starting in the first place and we're already 4 weeks in and so I might as well coast through the rest.  I can lose weight and become fit another day.  My unchurched friend is churched after all.  I'm teaching our small group and I'm probably the biggest failure in my class.
HAHA!  Mike apparently knew I'd feel this way because this week's first lesson, first paragraph says, "It is an important week because at the half-way point of any kind of spiritual commitment you make, fatigue can settle in, the enemy can come against you, and you can either choose to backpedal on your hinge decision  or allow it to become permanent in our life." ~Week 4 Day 22  I'm not just backpedalling, I haven't really pedaled anywhere to backpedal from!  I am really enjoying the readings in this book and would recommend it to anyone who is curious about it.  I feel that there is a richness to different parts of the Word that he brings out.  That is not the sole intent of this book, so I'm back in the same place that I land so often.  In the middle of a challenge and have missed the mark so far that I'm feeling done.

Farmers who wait for perfect weather...

Last Sunday as our Pastor's wife read a portion of the Bible before offering time, I was triggered by another phrase and looked it up.  Yes, I get sidetracked easily!  The passage was Ecclesiastes 11:4 "Farmers who wait for perfect weather never plant.  If they watch every cloud, they never harvest."  NLT  I've been reading each daily reading of this book with that scripture in mind.  I have been meditating on it for the whole week so far.
What is perfect weather?  Well for me and the goal of fitness, it usually means the beginning of a week.  Monday and not Sunday because we have a different schedule on Sundays than any other day of the week.  It means that I'm beginning a new book, devotional or diet kick starter.  It means I'm waiting for someone who truly wants to be my partner in accountability is ready at the same time as I am.  It means after I make out a better menu and go to the grocery store or get a perfect night's sleep.  I can wait and wait for perfect weather, but I will never begin my journey with fitness.
Spiritually speaking, what is perfect weather?  When I get my life straightened out first, then I will start on the thing God is calling me to.  After I quit smoking I will start going to church.  When my friend asks me about church, I will invite them to join me.  When I don't have any appointments for a week, I will do a 7 day fast.  When I make enough money, I will start to tithe.
Perfect weather is a VERY rare thing.  Sometimes it comes along, but I'm married to a farmer and he is a master at this.  Even if we get rain that we've been praying for, I will be excited and bring it up with him.  It either rained too much (extremely rare), too little, too much wind with it, too quick, not in the right field.  I tease my husband often about never being satisfied or being pessimistic, but farmers are more in tune with the weather than most.  I was hoping my husband would come home early from corn harvesting last night because of the rain we got the night before, but as soon as the ground was able to hold a combine, he was back in the field to harvest.  Bring it in!  If a cloudy day or a forecast of rain scared him out of the field, the grain would rot without ever being harvested.  If they waited for ideal planting conditions, they may not get the planting done.
Figuratively speaking, there are always situations that would scare us "out of the field."  I like to call them reasons, but really they are excuses.  There is an old hymn that say,  "Just as I am..."  God does take us just as we are.  Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." NIV  It doesn't say that when the weather of our lives is perfect, His death is for us.  Truly, if we were to try to be good or do good without His grace or Holy Spirit, we would be unsuccessful.  Sure, back in week 1 the weather for me was more perfect because as a linear thinker actually starting something in the middle of the process.  Regardless, I need to make today my starting point or else I will never start.

Why we didn't show

There are certain times of year my family chooses to stay home and this is one of them.  It started over 11 years ago, that much I am sure of because my husband and I struggled with infertility.  We were learning about the feasts of the Bible and decided to look into the meaning of "Christian" holidays.  We discovered the fertility goddess who is known by multiple names: Ishtar, Estera, Ashoreth, Ashera, and probably other forms including Easter.  There are many resources that say various things that we have reviewed through the years and they say similar things about the practices that revolve around the celebration and worship if this goddess.

If one would look her up they would see that she in some form fell from the sky in an egg in the area of the Euphrates river.  There are several variations of a story about people having orgies around her shrine or in her honor and one particular one shares that those impregnated during this celebration would return the next year and sacrifice these 3 month old infants to the goddess.  Some references go as far as to say they took eggs and dyed them in the blood of the infants to make the original Estera Egg.

As a woman who'd had at least one miscarriage of three at the point of reading this, I vowed then never to dye another Easter egg.  The whole idea actually repulsed me and still does.  I chose to trust The Living God, Jehovah, YHWH to give me children and have nothing to do with Easter celebrations.  My husband was in full agreed and actually was a partner in this research.  We came to the same conclusion at the same time.  

In fact, our church body had been doing research on holidays and little by little collected pieces of information on several celebrations such as Halloween and Christmas that changed the way we celebrated.  At the same time that we learned about those things we began researching the feasts of the Bible and started celebrating them.  Anyone who would argue that we are just replacing "fun" holidays with the feasts actually have it backward.  As culture changed, people began to forget the feasts and call them a Jewish thing and started embracing other seasonal celebrations.  It didn't start as an intent to worship idols, but to have a party.  I don't think most people who celebrate some of these holidays are intending to worship idols, but are just enjoying a celebration. 

My family DOES celebrate resurrection and Christ's birth, but we also celebrate Passover, the feast of dedication (Hanukkah), Purim, Sukkot, Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashannah.  I believe that Jesus came to fulfill the feasts of the Bible and learning about the feasts helps us to know Him better.  No, it is not required for Gentiles and no, we don't celebrate like the Jews or have week long celebrations.  We study them and have small celebrations.  We are ever learning and considering what, who and why we celebrate.  We have raised our two children without trick or treating, without the Easter Bunny and without Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or leprechauns.  They are doing just fine.

We have since moved to an area where we would find a new church and have gone to the one that we believe God called us to.  It is different in many ways from our former church and some of them are very good for us as a family.  Others are hard to adjust to, but when God calls you to be a part of a "family," you can't leave the family because you don't agree with 100% of the things they do.  When the kids had a costume party in October, we stayed home that night.  When they have Easter Egg Hunts, we just don't participate.  It sounds like we are just cold and don't consider the entire thing, but it is a big deal and we choose as a family and talk to our children about the choice and give them an opportunity to say everything they want even if they think we won't like it.

This year I would say has to be the most difficult one for me personally.  The church is putting on an outreach to evangelize, which is what it is every year.  This year's is in a different location than before to accommodate larger crowds and bring in more people.  The goal is to minister to the community and present the Truth about The Ressurrection.  There are many fun activities planned and when it was first announced I was very conflicted.  I pictured where I could be used, but did not sign up as I needed to pray about the whole thing.  My daughter wanted to go in hopes to win a new bike and we needed to make a decision so we could talk with our kids.  My husband and I discussed, prayed and researched.

I have been reading in 2 Kings and one king would come and cut down the Ashera poles, the next would allow them to be re-erected, the next would cut them down.  Those that cut them down pleased The Lord.  I didn't find a place where they went to the Ashera celebrations and converted people to follow God.  Also as we researched and again found Ashera and Easter are the same, I could not justify in my heart participating in that ministry event.  Easter wasn't even celebrated in the US for it's first 100 or more years.  Additionally, there have been a few people from foreign countries who know my husband is a Christian and they've asked him why we in America celebrate Easter the way we do.  Other cultures see that the eggs and bunny and other various holiday symbols are not Christian.  They recognize that Easter and resurrection are 2 completely separate things.

Even though my husband and I had settled to follow through with the convictions we've held for over a decade we still needed to have our family discussion.  My daughter was more interested in winning a bike than going to the egg hunt. My son was indifferent.  We agree that we support our church and if we were directly asked, we would assist with portions that we need to for our church to succeed.  We also agree that no one in our church is there to worship the goddess, but hope to plant the seed of Jesus into participants.  Why not us?  Our family feels that to do this would be to compromise our convictions.  

Some friends and family will never understand our decision and may even judge us and I can live with that.  I enjoy being asked to help even when I can't, but this year, knowing our convictions, we were not approached.  For a brief moment, it felt like rejection, but it was actually respect.  We especially want to engrain in our children the Biblical holidays and not their alternatives.  Each family must choose what they will.  If this post gives you a greater conviction to evangelize Easter, then great, do it.  Mostly I would like people to understand why they choose what they choose and not just make a choice because that is what they've always done.  I did that again this year.  This article from Answers In Genesis gives more historical background.  http://www.answersingenesis.org/articles/2011/04/26/symbols-easter-pagan

Searching for Significance: A journey in thought and prayer

Searching for significance
Is it approval?  Is it significance?  What do I seek when among friends?  Do my stories need to be greater, funnier, or even told to be counted a friend or active participant in a group?  How can one who laughs and carries on feel lonely in the laughter?
Knowing you've over-stepped the boundaries of comfortable you try to withdraw.  That not being an option, you try to cover it up, blending insecurity with not so funny tales.  Sympathetic laughter echoes in the hollowness of the soul closed off.  Heart discussion cut off as you listen half-heatedly to another baring their soul and receiving the same response from you as you perceived from them.
Talking, laughing, preparing what you will say next, not even in reply.  Listening, listening, who is listening.  We have not been listening.  ALONE with your thoughts in a crowded room.  Who will hear MY thoughts, MY desires.  Who will agree?  What if no one takes MY position?  Well, there is the problem. . . The overstepped boundaries were not with those in the room.  They were with The Uncreated One.
My righteousness turned into my rightness.  Justified by a sense of knowing Truth.  Most men know truth, but walking in Truth is altogether different.  Isolation that is self-made by the self-righteous one walking around without a thought of others and at the same time worrying about what others think of me.
“Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered— how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.” Interlude (Psalms 39:4, 5 NLT)
Let me again die to self.  Let me find peace in You!  That is where my significance lies.  Eternity awaits!
Walking in step with You and following You brought me to these beloved friends.  Reading your Word and letting it roll off the barrier of me that I've erected rather than allowing it to penetrate my heart is not working.  Walking within this place of self is lonely.  Hide me in You!
If I have that assurance that You have gone before me and I haven't drug You along as an afterthought, I will be at ease.  If at that time I am to walk in solitude from this world, I will be contented in knowing that the One who matters is my Guide.  I trust You!  I cling to You!  I am not alone!  And You have provided those who will walk alongside me in this life because You love me.  I'm forever indebted to You, my Breath, my Joy, my Savior.
Thank You for the breakthrough in this obstacle!  Take me to the next level!  Help me to obey on each step of the journey!    In Your beautiful Name, Jesus, I pray.  Amen.

Kingdom Principle: Give and It Shall Be Given Unto You

Sometimes I over share, and tonight as a miracle happened in our home, I initially blamed myself for my open mouth problem.  Where to begin...?  

Humble Thank You!

In my over-sharing even now, I don't want to give the impression that we are without met needs.  There are just times when we over-spend and have several lines of credit that have payments that eat up a bigger portion of our budget than is comfortable.  Rather than neglect our obligations, we cut out luxuries.  We don't eat out.  We reuse leftover food and make creative second meals.  We buy flour, sugar, eggs and oil to make homemade junk food.  We don't go bowling or on joy rides in the car.  We drive the car rather than the newer and nicer pickup for fuel economy... Basic budget cuts.  We are not going to even be without heat or food, we just simplify our lives.  Actually, it's good for us.

Now in the past few weeks I tried to sell a few things to make a little extra cash, but it worked out that it was a very little amount of $5.  I knew in my heart that I was supposed to give some money for something that I could have asked someone else to cover easily.  Today was the day and I showed my husband ... It wasn't very much, and he said, "You're the one who knows how much money we have." I replied that I really wasn't sure what we have, but it's the right thing to do.

I shared with a group of friends a little about Kingdom finance tonight and that He takes care of things in a way we don't understand.  In that I shared that we don't have extra money to seed into a project right now and that we ate deer stew and it told my kids it was part of our lessons for school about early colonies.  This is true, but I had other food to eat too in the freezer and shelves.  I'm just being conscious of wasting as little as possible right now.  

Our meeting is over, my husband gave the money and got home first to find an envelope on our door with money in it... Anonymous.  He called me to tell me and immediately I felt guilty.  I told him that I should not have said what I said.  We have everything we need.  Then he reminded me that I gave and said, "it's the right thing to do."  What I gave wasn't much at all and what I received was more.  Yes, I'm overwhelmed by the goodness of God right now.  Am I so proud as to believe that my rambling speech moved someone more than God could?  Anonymous also means it could have been from someone who had no idea that I said those words, no idea I was talking about Kingdom finance tonight among other things.  

Is it important to know who and why?  No!  I just need to trust that for whatever reason, God showed me a tangible sign that what I spoke was Truth.  I am an ambassador of Christ, and the finances for an ambassador come from the Kingdom that sent him or her.  It doesn't have to make sense.  I am thankful to my God and to whoever was so stirred as to obey Him.  This proves to me and hopefully others that He cares about the tiniest details of our lives.  He also takes notice of our tiny acts of obedience.  While I give God the credit for this testimony, I did ask Him to bless the giver with 10 times as much as they gave.  If the giver is reading this and receives that blessing, they will have a great testimony as well!